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My Mother – Chapelle Gray

Chapelle GMy mother passed away on September 8, 2009 and at times I feel as though my life ended as well. She was 61. I miss her so much at times that my heart feels as though it will break forever.

My mother suffered from lung damage and a cigarette habit that she couldn’t break. My sister and I tried every way we could to help her defeat the demon and yet we were unsuccessful.

She came home from yet another hospital admission and 2 hours later her heart had stopped. They revived her only to tell us that she was brain dead and could not be saved. We had to make the difficullt choice to remove her from life support.

While my father is still alive and very much active in our lives, he was not a parent to either of us and my mom was all we had. I feel guilty for distancing myself from him but I just can’t see him and not miss her even more.

I think of the times we shared and as the holidays roll around I find myself really suffering to cope. Why do I feel like that little girl lost in the mall searching for her mom or an orphan? I am 38 years old, should I be feeling this way?

I find myself becoming jealous when my friends share stories about their mothers. Am I sick? I don’t wish them to not have theirs, I just want mine.

This is a pain unlike anything that I have ever known and pray to feel only once in this lifetime.

Posted by Deedy

Previously posted comments:

Rona Maynard
November 30, 2009 at 12:12PM

Deedy, I wish there were something I could say to ease your pain. What I can tell you is this: it’s absolutely normal to envy other daughters who can still take pleasure in their mother’s company (or even fight with her). When it comes to grief, there are no “shoulds.” It washes over you like a big wave, and you can feel as if you’re about to drown. The helplessness and loneliness you’re feeling are part of that process, and a testament to your mother’s irreplaceable role in your life. I’m so sorry you have lost her.

Suzanne Boles
December 21, 2009 at 2:02PM

I think Rona said it best but I wanted to let you know that you touched my heart with your message.

I do know what you’re feeling. I lost my mom in February. I am 54 years old and all I can remember and dream about when I sleep is being a young girl and my past memories of living at home, even though I haven’t lived with my parents for decades and have grown children of my own.

Do not feel guilty if you feel jealousy and envy. You have to grieve and any way you do that is o.k.

Your mom sounds so special. Your memories keep her close by. But that won’t bring her back, I know.

I hope it gets easier over time. I am feeling a bit lighter than a few months ago but the pain is still always with me.

Hugs and my thoughts are with you.

Rona Maynard
December 21, 2009 at 2:02 PM

I’m always moved when a visitor takes a few minutes from her busy day to console another member of the sisterhood (that’s what I call us bereaved daughters). Glad to see you back, Suzanne.

December 22, 2009 at 9:09PM

Suzanne and Rona,

I would like to thank both of you ladies for your heartfelt words of support. Although it has not been easy, your kindness has made it feel a bit less lonely. Thank you so very much. Happy Holidays!

March 30, 2011 at 5:05PM

Dear Deedy,

I lost my mom in August 2009. It’s been the most painful year and a half of my life. At times I didn’t think I’d make it–but I did. I pray that you are finding it easier to cope. Drawing, writing and painting helped me tremendously, at least to go on from day to day. As some have told me, I’ll never get over it, but I’ve learned to live with the tender wound, the grief that keeps on giving. My heart goes out to you, Deedy.
Much love,

December 16, 2011 at 8:08PM

Deedy, I know how you feel. I never thought I would lose my mom. I guess I thought she’d live to be 100. She’s only been gone 13 days and I still can’t believe I can’t ever talk to her again. You are right this is the worst pain I’ve ever had. And I have so many regrets for the time I didn’t spend with her because I was too busy working/and going to school. I’d give anything just to hug her one more time. Love, Yvonne

Rona Maynard
January 28, 2012 at 9:09 AM

So well put, Yvonne. My apologies for taking so long to approve and post your thoughtful and empathetic comment.

March 14, 2012 at 9:09PM

Deedy…I lost my mom 1/30/12 at 62…lung disease, pneumonia. She thought she would get better and come home…so did we. I miss her everyday. It hurts me that life just goes on while i’m stuck with the lose. I returned to work with my boss riding my back and asking me…what’s the matter with you? my husband tries to be supportive,,,but now almost 2 months later he’s in get over it mode. My children who are teens try to provide support..but when they do it makes them remember their loss. To make matters worse…my mother always favored my younger sister whom she raised. when my mom passed I tried to grow a relationship with her and that backfired as well. Seems like everything that was holding together by tiny threads has ripped apart and mommy is not here to hold it together. Truthfully sometimes I grieve for the relationship I wish we had and other times I grieve because I just want her here. So…I understand the emotions you’re going through. Too bad ,,,grief is not one of those processes one can rush through. Take care of and love yourself more…for you and your mom.

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